This is about my life and my struggles.

Lately I have seemed to struggle with spiritual issues.  I used to be different. I used to be a devoted Christian. I seem to struggle with faith, trust, hope, and love. I sometimes wonder if these even exist in the supernatural realm. In the last few years the only thing I can seem to  have faith in is myself and man. I feel like GOD has let me down on so many levels. My heart, mind, soul, and body is broken. I wonder if I will ever find myself again. I feel lost in a world of uncertainty not knowing how to even believe anymore . I wonder if it is me that has left this relationship or if GOD has decided to take a break for a  while. I say he has taken a break because I have been taught that he never leaves or forsakes you–or so I have been told. I am torn and conflicted with  the stories of my life. Why have things happened as they have?  Why I am in the position I am in today. Why do I feel so alone in life and why are my questions never answered. Why do I feel like GOD is against me ? Does he not want me to at least survive? I am sure his plan is to not let my child be homeless, or go without food, or shelter. Yet at times I believe GOD is testing my endurance and keeping my life in a crisis. Why, when he can end it all right now? What is the point. I used to believe. Now, I wonder if I really believed in what I was believing in, or if I am just a weak Christian. I also wonder just how much more heartbreak I can take.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. John Peterson
    Dec 17, 2011 @ 12:26:22

    Dear Amanda, There is so much I would like to say concerning the subject you have inquired about that I don’t have the time nor space here to convey unto you what is in my heart about this heart rendering question that seems to plague each of us at one time or another in our life. You are not alone is this…The mere fact that you are asking the question means that you are ready for the answer.God has not left you alone,In fact his word does say he will never leave us nor forsake us, and rest asured that he will never violate his word.If ne did Heaven and earth would imediatly cease to exist. He promises us that He will honor his word even above his name and that he is the same yesterday ,today and forever. I am reminded of the pathway poem that was so popular several years back and it as I look back on the times in my life that i was going through what you are and I felt so alone and that I didn’t know where God was, that was when he was carrying me. He said for us to draw close to him and he will draw close to you. (He is the perfect gentleman). He will never force you love him but he will always love you. He said to roll your cares and burdens over him for he cares for you. You are now ready through these trials and troubles that you are facing to recognise who the enemy really is and very important that you do so. If you don’t know then how can you muster even a feeble defense? John 10/10 says that the enemy comes but for to steal, kill and destroy but I came that you might have life and have it more abundantly.Now does that sound like he is the enemy? No! and I know you don’t think so either, run to Him and not away from Him .God loves you with unconditional love..That simply means that He will love you whether you will love Him or not. I hope that I have helped you in my crude way of saying I have been there and I know the aswers you seek and what better way for the enemy to win this battle with you than for you to become confused as to who the enemy really is. That is a great military tactic that has been sucessfully used by some of the greatest generals of the world and it works…God Bless You.


    • amandaasbury
      Feb 27, 2012 @ 16:25:08

      Dear John,
      I understand so much of what your saying. However, my heart is just not in it anymore to believe. Do I believe that there was a man who was hung on a cross to save an undeserving world. I don’t know how to live life anymore and believe that with all my heart. I cannot follow the commandants of Christ. I cannot love him with all my heart. I have too many questions, that will never be answered. I waver in my heartfelt beliefs out of not knowing and out of fear- what if, just what if there really is a Heaven and a Hell. I wouldn’t think Hell is a place I would like to be alone visit. However. I do not think that fear alone should be a reason to stand firm on such a required unwavering oath for my soul. I believe that I am a good person, I try to do no harm to others, and I occasionally try to help out my fellow man. Maybe I have just changed to much, of course its all just me, God has no responsibility toward man after his Resurrection. Really, what about all of the things I have done without out the assistance of him? I know I have anger, bitterness, and resentment in my heart and I have for a while. I just feel like that I am at a crossroad in my life and I just cant do it anymore. I am no longer what I once was and I don’t know how to go back to who I used to be.


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